Letters to Tuvia Y2: Still in the Weeds (4-24-17)#sol17

Evening T and Slicers,

Honestly, I wish I had better news for all of you but hey, it is what it is…

When Tuvia and I were first getting to know each other and we lived in our own spaces during the week, every morning as I sipped my first cup of coffee, filled a bowl with raisin bran and ice cold milk  before I left for school Tuvia would call and ask what I was eating for breakfast.

I laughed sweetly and surprised. ” Why do you want to know what I eat for breakfast?”

He laughed and thought, “Its not really what you eat for breakfast but it’s how we begin to share our lives.  I want us to share the little things and then the bigger things… the things that will be harder to share.”

Hmmm… I liked that…

After years of living on my own, sharing, partnership left me breathless and sometimes as much as I loved the idea of sharing it was hard to break the my routines of singularity.  But I trusted Tuvia… and new habits began to emerge.

I could ride back home after a full day of workshops at our writing project on a Saturday morning  and on the way, Tuvia would call and want to know what I did  for the hours I was away and I shared the details, soon without hesitation,  because we  were were sharing our lives…

I am now in the market for a new car, the first new car since Tuvia’s passing and yes, it’s fun, but I’m missing that call…

I’ve always loved cars, years before Tuvia came along and he could care less about cars. When he was ready for a new one, he took a ride to the local Ford dealership in his silver Explorer and came back home after a few hours with a new version of his Ford Explorer maybe in white rather than silver.  And when Ford Escapes, a smaller SUV,  were created in hybrid form, Tuvia made the move.  That was change in Tuvia’s book.

Now me, I was someone from a different planet.  As I got ready for a new car I took him along on my search We walked the streets of Ridgewood, New Jersey once, sometimes twice a day when the weather was right for us.  I stopped along our route when I saw something interesting: the new Sabb, a red mustang, the latest Audi TT. Tuvia, a Ford man. Tuvia stopped with me and because  I loved cars with a passion, he did too.  Soon he could proudly announce that the car in front of us was a Prius and yes, he was right!

He was in my life and I was in his and we were partners sharing our passions.

I am now down to: a loaded Prius Prime Advantage vs an all-wheel drive Mini Cooper Clubman and I’m trying to get excited,  but it’s just okay…  the way life is for me these days.  It’s just okay… just treading water most of the time.  There isn’t much color in this life with him.

I thought it was getting easier.  It isn’t.


Miss you T,

Bonnie S.


25 thoughts

  1. What an incredibly moving post. I love the details you share with us…how you each began to “pay attention” to the details of each other’s lives. That is what life is all about…not the big moments so much as the thousands and thousands of shared details that make up a life…together. I am sad for you, but happy that you both seemed to share so many of those moments together.

  2. Congrats on making that first slicer spot! I’m continually amazed by the honesty in your posts. As I listened to the interview on Newshour last night with Sheryl Sandberg, I thought of you, my friend, and Elizabeth Alexander’s memoir, The Light of the World. Your written journey is such a journey and reminds us that it’s never easy. Here’s to more moments that allow you to do more than tread water. And that new car decision? I’m pulling for the Prius!

  3. Oh, Bonnie, it is the sharing those daily things that are important and so missed. Tuvia was a wise man and gave you lovely moments to remember. You’ve shared that part of life beautifully today. Best wishes with the car.

  4. Oh, Bonnie, my heart is moved. So much we do not know… I dug back to 8-28-15 and read. And then I read again here today. I have no words to write, just know my heart hugs you.

  5. An extraordinary life was lived through ordinary moments with Tuvia.
    Here’s my info on your car choice as I shared your post with my car crazy husband. He likes both of the cars, however, the Clubman does not have a strong reliability rating. Mike says don’t plan on owning it beyond the warranted period. He has not been able to examine the Prius yet because they are not available here, yet. Did you know there is no spare? He’s also concerned that the sun visor does no extend when to the side. He has strang issues, but wanted me to pass on this info. Good luck!

    • Thank him
      The Prius is loaded with everything safety.
      A lot of cars don’t have spared these days but this one does. The clubman is a cool ride but overpriced

  6. I read your post and smiled and agreed on so many levels. My Mazda, while just 2.5, will turn over 100,000 soon and I know I too will have to walk the car journey alone.. I dread that journey because it will be me talking to me and comparing cars with me!
    I also read your line about how it does not get easier to travel this life journey without a partner. I made some decisions about end-of-life-care for my aunt today – alone….and I so wanted someone to say something to challenge / confirm / embrace / or just hug me and
    tell me that this was hard but right. I talked to myself instead. Your post mirrored the conversations in my head.

  7. My heart’s here with you, Bonnie. Your love for Tuvia has always been so tangible, and in this slice, too. You’ve made me feel it from when I first started reading your slices ten years ago, made me fall in love with Tuvia, too. Like I said, my heart is here with you, my friend. โค

  8. I love that your writing is still so full of thoughts about your life with Tuvia. I say buy a Ford Explorer. ๐Ÿ™‚

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