Letters to TuviaY2:Life Without You (5-29-17) #sol17

Morning to You, T and Slicers,

I’ve been silent for the last month, just living without fixed processing that writing provides.  I’ve been improvising my life, dodging rain drops and tears- a blend from you and from spring pollen.   I’ve been on the couch and out in my new car driving in and out of the City, up and down the Thruway to Ellenville, a weekend in Connecticut.

And I’ve been focused on guitar practice- a small evening of friends, food and music coming next Friday night.  I’ve created a new ritual- every night before I shut down, in the darkness of my living room I reach for my guitar and play through my 5 pieces that are getting close to the best I can play them.   In the darkness of my space, I sound great,  and as I finish each piece I provide your burst of supportive applause.  I remember so often, when I stayed away from the grind of practice it was you who pushed me to pick up my guitar and play for 30 minutes.  I came back to you more peaceful.  Now, I just wish I could just keep my hands from shaking when my audience arrives fills the empty seats in this living room.   I have been loving the process of preparation; it’s transformed my approach to my future with the guitar.  Is an audience ultimately necessary for progress?

So this is what life feels and looks like as we move closer to the end of year 2 at the end of August.   I continue to fill up the calendar with healthy activities, just the way I did when I was sharing life with you.  But yes, this is my life, my decisions for this present future without you.  I’m not sure that this processing reflects the land mines, the blocks of time that aren’t always easy to fill…

House of Cards Season 5 was dropped by Netflixs this morning.  We binged together for the first 3 seasons.  Last year I was on my own as the show grew darker and darker but is was still fiction without any fear then, that Trump would take the White House, but now, I wonder if I can handle the fiction of Kevin Spacey’s  efforts to be king.  I don’t think that we would be able to watch season 5 and then sleep peacefully.

Not sure I will be able to…

James spent a week with me recently.  As he waved good-bye in the parking lot he called out… “It’s good to see you happy again.”  Happy, really?  Damn I hope so even if I am in this solo life, even if I am scared about the real life president Frank Underwood.

Love you forever,

Bonnie S

 

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24 thoughts

  1. Missed you, your words, and thoughts of life in this space. Love your new routine, that’s a perfect way to wind down the day before sleep. Your friends will love the mini-concert. Wish I could pop over and listen in too. 🙂

  2. Good to hear from you, Bonnie. I love your new nightly ritual. Good luck as your prepare for that audience which I’m thinking will probably include Tara. Blessings as you continue facing the land mines and difficult times of this new life.

  3. So glad you’re back! You’ve been missed. I share your concerns about House of Cards. I’m almost done with episode one of the fifth season and it’s unsettling. For me, I think it’s too much too soon. Not sure if I’ll be able to continue. I’m interested to hear what you think.

  4. Glad to see you back today. I can feel the sadness in your writing. Yes, I think your audience is still s supporting your guitar practice.

  5. So glad to see you back, Bonnie. Improv is good because it can lead to new and unexpected experiences.It has been a difficult process for you these last two years, but know you haven’t been alone. Thoughts are with you.

  6. Bonnie, it is always such a gift to read your words. Ritual is such an amazingly human way to stitch together the fragmented pieces of our hearts and lives.

  7. The review I read of this latest season was not great but I will watch it anyway because I need the closure.
    Welcome back (and next time you come through CT, give me a ring.)

  8. Glad you are back. You are a role model of writing through pain and grief. I’m glad you came back to this writing community and I am glad you are finding a realease in your guitar.

  9. Good to see you again. Your guitar process is fascinating and brave. Just like you. I’m not sure I can do HOC right now. Need a break from reality. Ugh. Looking forward to seeing you weekly!

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