Letters to Tuvia Y2: Late Night Reflections (6-24-17)

Evening Tuv R,,

So much to write about… so much to process…

A few days ago, I stopped to chat with my downstairs neighbor, Ron.  We are both members of the widow/er club.  A few weeks after you passed his wife joined you.  We both went through the devastation of loss and took advantage of our moments of casual meet-ups to check in.  I remember Ron when we first moved in.  He was working and dressed every day in elegant 3- piece suits.  A tall, attractive man who owned the world with a charismatic grin and sparkle in his eyes. Sadly, that’s gone now.  Warm-up suits, a slowed gait and still signs of exhaustion, but like me, he seems to be coming out of the mourner’s fog we’ve been sharing for more than a year, almost two now.

I asked how he’s doing, as usual.  He paused, “Life’s different.  Not as good as it was.  It’s still so hard to accept the permanence of death.”

Yes, yes, yes… I couldn’t stop agreeing with him…

But somehow, I think I’m moving out of my sadness faster than he is.  I walk lighter, smile more… but then I’m not weighed down by images of a partner who suffered for months before her death  through kidney dialysis.

I’m learning to be more patient.  Our first year of separation was such unknown territory that I was lost and couldn’t imagine ever enjoying life again.  But in this second year, slowly, ever so slowly, I took up the challenge to find a way to make the best of life without your richness.  Partners don’t need the outside world.  They may want it, but together we were independent.  The rest of our worlds enhanced us.  In this solo existence, the rest of the world makes time for me, wants to, but it’s mostly up to me to make it happen, Yes, I did that in our life together but every morning, every evening there was you, sitting across the table from me.  There was you lying beside me.  There was you for dinner, for a movie… for an adventure… for everything.

Big shoes to fill in this life that I’m living… and it takes more energy to push off and out to walk at the river, take a table for one at Strawberry Place, make the most of a weekend with blanks to fill in on my calendar.  Energy for these challenges and a complete day can pass without meeting up with another human I know.

But then there’s the unexpected that demands patience…

A text from Amanda early this morning and I was in motion to join her at Dani and Cliff’s pre-wedding event at their synagogue… after an early morning downpour, I was up and dressed appropriately and out in sunshine. I was in motion with time after a lovely luncheon to head home, change and then continue on back to our Paramus for Chico’s 45% off sale with a little help from my buddy, Val.  Yes,  one of my rituals  I used to take seriously, but without you waiting at home to enjoy my finds I’ve stayed away.  But today I was back and enjoying the discoveries that could be additions to my collection of spring/summer wear. A lovely spring day enjoyed differently than  before. And back to the movies without tears, and reading on the porch and working on a new guitar piece and dinner with Hilda and loving forward to Ami and family arriving from Israel for the summer next week. And all without you…

Ron and I have been through hell like  so many before us and still we continue to live and find the  joy, I

Miss you today and every day…

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Bonnie S.

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