Happy Halloween! Another Halloween with no Halloween plans. No one will be coming here for candy(all good!) and yes, I have dinner plans but just dinner, no costumes.
I don’t know exactly when I became a Halloween Scrooge. Probably when I tried teaching on October 31. It was fine with my 8th graders but the older kids drove me crazy, begging to get out of class to hang out in the halls with seniors- the only kids allowed to dress up. It was a crazy day.
Once I was out of school on Halloween, it was just another day for us… and that continues… but this year that’s the last thing on my mind. This year it’s all about my dad.
This year my dad has moved from the back to the front of my mind. He’s still here with us but he is fading. I’m sure he’d rather make his exit more like you did, but he’s here and still himself. Every morning I call and we talk as always. Short conversations, still, but he still knows me, still asks how I’m doing, still calls me “doll”. So even though he has almost no independence, he is still home, has 24/7 caregivers and regular visits from us.
But I realize that even though I’m calm and accepting about the fact that this is his last days, weeks or months, I am holding my breath. This won’t make the coming finality of my dad any easier. Death, funeral, shiva, mourning… loss.
It’s coming and like my dad, I will enter a new phase of life…
Aging is tough.
I miss you T. My dad misses you.